Celibacy and the City
"Just Friends. No Benefits:
A Guide to Keeping a Platonic Relationship Healthy and Sane"
(from Issue #1 - March/April 2010)BY ALEXANDRA ARMSTRONG
My first platonic friend was a new kid to my high school named Nick. Nick was taller than any of the other guys at my school, and he could quote The Simpsons for hours and play “Blackbird” on the guitar. I, meanwhile, had covered every square inch of wall space in my room with retro Beatles posters and magazine clippings. Naturally, I had a life-threatening crush on Nick.
Nick liked the attention and actually liked me, too. But I had too much acne and too little social standing to interest him romantically. His MO was to call me to chat about his troubles with the various girls at our school—girls who liked bands in which all the members were still alive, girls who didn’t wear bulky cardigan sweaters that hung to their knees in a vain attempt to camouflage the Nebraska-like quality of their chests. It was worth the subtle sting of romantic rejection just to get to talk to him.
Somehow, even back then, I figured out that it wasn’t in the cards for Nick and me. He was too blithe and uncomplicated and I was too conflicted and dark for us to ever make it as a couple. Plus, he just didn’t like me that way. I got over my crush, and we never discussed it. Since it wasn’t Dawson’s Creek, nobody had to make a dramatic speech about their True Feelings so that we could have a Very Special Episode. We coexisted as friends, laughing our heads off at Comic Book Guy and Ralph Wiggum and ignoring the occasional, vague undercurrent of sexual tension. Really. We took swing dance lessons together because both of us secretly loved World War II movies, but apart from the lessons, we never so much as held hands. I was preoccupied with figuring out how much of a Prozac queen I wanted to be, and he was enmeshed in an on-again, off-again relationship with a girl who had a sunnier disposition than me and way, way bigger boobs.
I’m still friends with Nick. (He’s married now.) We chat on the phone every now and then; it’s a healthy, stable relationship that is fine the way it is. Nick may have been my first platonic friend, but he wasn’t the last. Since then, I’ve had at least a dozen close male friends who, for whatever reason, weren’t appropriate boyfriend or husband material. I’m a serial platonic friend.
Chris Rock said that every platonic friend he has is some woman he was trying to get into bed, but he made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the Friend Zone. Most of my platonic friends fall into the same category—almost all of them did start off as potential boyfriends. But the friendship zone isn’t a wrong turn, booby-but-no-boobies prize of love. The friendship zone is a very special place. The friendship zone is where mature men and women recognize that “love” doesn’t really overcome all obstacles. The friendship zone is for men and women who care about and appreciate each other but who also recognize their irreconcilable differences before exchanging sweet nothings and bodily fluids. The friendship zone is for men and women who know that no matter what popular culture has to say about sex and our entitlement to it, it is a profoundly emotional experience with strong, irrevocable implications to relationships. Well, maybe not to everyone. I’m fine with people who can have sex without caring or without caring as much as I do. All I’m saying is that I can’t do it.
There are some men who are wonderful but who you shouldn’t have sex with. Ever. But who says you can’t be friends? I know, I know: Harry (of When Harry Met Sally) says the sex part always gets in the way. The following guide is what Sally should have had all along. If you want to stay platonic friends without the sex part getting in the way, I encourage abiding by these guidelines:
1. Go slow. Romantic relationships aren’t built in a day, and neither are platonic friendships. Before you’ve spent some serious time with a man, he’s not a real person. He’s a romantic archetype—the answer to all your dreams and hopes. Do not fall for this. That knight in shining armor is a human being, just like you, and it’s a bad idea to make out with him before you know his flaws and he knows yours. The key to building good platonic friendships is waiting and seeing. I find that the success of a platonic friendship is inversely proportional to the amount of physical passion you allowed yourselves to have prior to figuring out that a romantic relationship was not your destiny.
2. Assess Deal Breakers. Be honest with yourself about a man’s “deal breakers.” Do not gloss over them. This doesn’t mean you should agonize over superficial differences. My own deal breakers in men have nothing to do with income or physical appearance. I’m looking for traits that I know would cause heartache and disaster down the line, if I were involved in a romantic relationship with him. Is he a womanizer? Does he have a radically different attitude about money? Is he fixated on doing things that I have no interest in, such as spending large quantities of time in bars? How does he feel about me—is he emotionally available? (This is a huge one: if a guy “just isn’t that into you,” no matter how perfect he is on every other front, it’s a deal breaker.)
3. Don’t Go Overboard with the Sexual Fantasies. It’s okay to have sexual thoughts, dreams, or fantasies about a platonic friend, but there’s no point in taking those thoughts seriously. If you’re spending time with someone who you like being around, you find that person attractive, and that person is in your basic age demographic, it’s normal that you're going to have thoughts of sex. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell the friend that you are having these fantasies. As the person turns from a romantic archetype into a real person, the thoughts will dissipate. In the meantime, let the thoughts come and go and see them for what they are: your body’s biological reaction to the proximity of a person with whom you could mate. You are a human being, and you have the ability to override your biological urges for the sake of having a stable, viable friendship with another human being. And, while we’re on the subject, do not allow the platonic friend into your apartment until you stop having sexual thoughts about him. For me, that usually takes about two months. Use the same rule to determine when you can spend time in the platonic friend’s apartment.
4. Secret Not-Lovers. Eventually, you will probably have to have a conversation about the fact that the two of you are going to be friends, not lovers. In that conversation, it is a good idea to intentionally outline physical boundaries. I don’t touch my platonic friends. Not any touching. No excuses. Never. No social hugging, no hand on the arm, no playful wrestling—nothing. I’m too passionate to get away with platonic touching. Not everyone needs to be this much of a nun, but be realistic about your limits. Not all men are going to be able to handle boundaries. Some men just don’t make good platonic friends. They don’t see any point in having a relationship with a woman that doesn’t involve at least the potential for sex. There are women who can’t get into the platonic friend thing, either. That’s okay. Just as polyamory, marriage, bondage, and the whole gamut of sexual fetishes aren’t for everyone, neither is a sexless friendship with the opposite sex. (By the way, it is possible for a man to accept a sexless friendship with a woman he’s attracted to without it meaning that he is gay.)
5. Split the check. Do not let him pay for you, and don’t pay for him. You can buy each other gifts for birthdays and holidays, but these should be small and impersonal. There’s a blurring of the lines when he pays for you. It feels more like a real date. That’s just what you don’t want. Splitting the check quenches romance. The check negotiation—who’s going to throw in cash? who’s going to use the credit card?—is a horribly distasteful dose of reality, just like bringing up condoms in the middle of a hot-and-heavy makeout session. Even if you were having sexual thoughts, you’re not anymore.
6. Remember Why You’re Not Together. Because there is a good possibility that there may be periodic, underlying tension in the relationship (you’re so great! Why was it, again, that we can't be together?),I find it advisable to make a detailed list of the person’s deal-breaker qualities and read it to myself at regular intervals. Keep an eye out for those incompatibilities when you are hanging out with the person, and let your imagination linger over their implications in a dating relationship or in marriage. Remind yourself: Man, am I glad I’m not signing up to have sex and thereby form an ill-advised emotional attachment to THAT. Nope, I get to go home and do whatever I want! Woo hoo!
7. Take the #2 Slot. If you or your platonic friend starts seeing someone seriously, your roles in each other’s lives should decrease dramatically. I will not allow my platonic friends to discuss their girlfriends with me, except very superficially and positively. I don’t allow bashing sessions of girlfriends. It’s disrespectful towards the woman he’s dating. She’s number one in his life, not me. If he calls her his girlfriend, that’s my cue to back off.
8. PJs = Sexual Thoughts. Under no circumstances should you stay overnight at the platonic friend’s apartment, even if you have been friends for years and have gotten to the point where it’s safe to hang out at each other’s homes. I always get a hotel room if I’m going to visit a platonic friend who now lives in another city. There’s just something too intimate about seeing someone in their pajamas.
9. The Friend Breakup. If it has been a long time, and you’re still having sex dreams about the person, and you talk about him to your friends and family constantly, and you start referring to him as your “fake boyfriend,” you have to come to terms with the fact that you’re falling in actual love with him. It’s no longer that shiny lust that accompanies the beginning of most male/female relationships. At this point you have to take inventory. Are the incompatibilities still there? Every time this has happened to me, I’ve had to have a friendship breakup. I did not want to date the person, but if I stayed friends with him, I would never want to date anyone else. So that was it. No calling, no e-mailing, no nothing. Done.
10. Mix It Up. Make sure you have other friends. And a life. Female friends and married couple friends are important. Even when my platonic male friends are dominating my social calendar, I still have lots of other things going on. That way, if the friendship breakup has to happen, it isn’t as hard.
There’s just one rule left. The golden, much coveted rule number 11 is one I haven’t experienced yet, but I haven’t given up hope. It’s the When Harry Met Sally rule, in which the platonic friend evolves past his verboten status and becomes a friend who isn’t so platonic after all. In my opinion, this can happen successfully if and only if the deal breakers have been resolved. In that case, congratulations! If not, don’t be discouraged. All of my platonic friends have brought richness and flavor to my life that I treasure, despite the fact that we couldn’t be together romantically. I’m so glad to know them, but I’m also glad that I haven’t made a bad match out of sexual indiscretion and the fear of being alone.
The truth about this guide is that it proposes a different script to dating than the one our current hook-up culture offers. It isn’t for everyone. However, delaying sex in favor of building a strong, stable relationship with a man that is based on mutual affection and respect instead of romantic excitement and hormones is good advice for women in romantic relationships as well as platonic ones.
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ALEXANDRA ARMSTRONG
Alexandra is from New York but has been a public school teacher in Hawaii since 2003. She is a member of Kailua Community Church and enjoys running, writing, and performing poetry.
e-mail: alexandraarmstrong@hotmail.com
blog: www.readstrong.wordpress.com